Until You Can't Let Go
by kate04us
Summary: Slightly AU – What made Andy suddenly dislike Jack between Season 2 and 3? A look at Sharon's marriage and her past, present and future with Andy. Subject warning: deals with emotional abuse.
1. Chapter 1

**Until You Can't Let Go**

by Kate04

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" _Then love knew it was called love.  
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,  
suddenly your heart showed me my way"  
― Pablo Neruda_

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 **A/N:** I have taken some liberties with Sharon's past in this story, so despite sticking as closely to canon as possible, it might be considered slightly AU. It also gets a **warning** **for dealing with emotional abuse**. I tried not to be too explicit with that, but you get the warning anyway.

This is for **Kadi219** and **lontanissima** for more reasons than I can count!

A hug and 'thank you' goes to **RockinRobin B** once again for her beta services!

The idea for this story came to me while listening to **Stacey K. Black** 's song _"The Castle"_ from her album _"Guarding the Castle"_ , which btw is absolutely amazing and you really should check it out.

 **Disclaimer:** Not my sandbox, not my toys. Sadly, I don't get paid for playing with them.

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 **Time:** Shortly before the beginning of Season 3

To say he was not nervous would have been a lie. Spending time alone with Sharon outside of work always made his stomach flutter in anticipation, but this time it was worse than usual. It was Saturday and he had gotten two cinema tickets from Nicole, because she and Dean could not go. His daughter had suggested that he take Sharon, but asking her had taken quite a bit of courage.

They had never done more than grab a bite to eat after a long day at work. Sometimes they would take a walk afterwards if dinner had not been enough for them to wind down. They were good friends, they talked, they laughed, they listened to the other's fears and worries, and provided an honest sounding board to one another.

Meeting up on their day off for dinner and a movie felt decidedly more like a date than their other outings. He knew that that was not the case, since Sharon was still very much married. She had made sure he knew where she stood on that early on and he had never questioned it.

He was not blind, though. He realized that he was beginning to feel more for her than simply friendship. That was probably the reason for his nervousness. Since Sharon had not hesitated longer than it took for her to check her calendar before agreeing, he supposed that it was all in his head.

Taking a deep breath, Andy let go of his anxiety as he knocked on her door. When it opened, he expected to see Sharon, dressed casually and ready to go, and he was only partially successful in hiding his surprise when he was greeted by Rusty.

"Hey kid." Rusty returned the greeting as he stepped aside and gestured for the Lieutenant to enter. "I thought Sharon said something about a tech rehearsal you had to go to tonight. Or did I get the days mixed up?" Andy asked, still a little confused to see the boy instead of his guardian. As he studied him more closely, Andy noticed how uncomfortable he seemed. When Rusty just stared at his feet and tugged at his shirt sleeves, the older man frowned, his voice low with concern.

"You okay, kid?" Rusty looked up, staring at him wide-eyed as though he was surprised he was still there before he nodded. "Yeah. It's not… I mean, yeah. I should probably leave, but I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't go." He looked helpless and uncertain, as if something was tearing him apart.

"Is something wrong? Did something happen at school?" Andy prodded, trying to get to the bottom of the problem. The boy shook his head, clearly frustrated and Andy thought that if it had been anything like that, Sharon surely would have dealt with it already. That raised the question of her whereabouts, but before he could ask about that, Rusty spoke again.

"There's nothing wrong with school or anything. It's Sharon." He hesitated for a second, chewing on his bottom lip and looking as if he was debating whether or not to reveal this particular bit of information before he went on. "Jack was here earlier. You pretty much just missed him. Sharon sent me to my room when he showed up, but I saw that he was drunk and, I mean, it's not like the condo is like, huge or anything. I could still hear most of what they said, mostly because he was yelling at her. Jack was a complete asshole and when he finally left, Sharon went to her room. She always does that when she's upset and doesn't want me to know. So now I don't really want to leave her alone before I know she's gonna be okay, but I know she'll be upset with me if I miss that stupid school thing."

For a short moment Andy was overwhelmed by his emotions, could feel his blood pressure rising with the need to find Jack Raydor and punch him in the face, but with a few deep breaths he got that impulse under control. It was not his place to sweep in and avenge Sharon as if she were some kind of helpless maiden. It would certainly not be appreciated. Besides, he had no idea what really happened, beyond what Rusty had told him.

Jack falling off the wagon would have been enough to hurt Sharon, because despite everything that had happened between them, she still wanted him to have a relationship with his children. And if the kid said he was an asshole, that could mean any number of things. Andy had no doubt that the couple had had words, and he knew from experience that fights between spouses usually were not very pleasant. Andy tried to think back to the days when he and Jack had gotten drunk together and he remembered the other man as the loud kind of drunk, always at the centre of attention, always one to laugh and quick with a joke. He had been fun to be around.

The previous summer, he had seen Jack in a slightly different light. The jokes had seemed a little forced and out of place and what he used to think of as easy charm had come across as artificial. Even when Sharon and Jack had come to blows over their case, he had not been overly hurtful. And yet, Rusty's agitation concerned him and made him wonder what might have changed.

Andy pondered briefly if what he intended to do would be appropriate, given that they were merely friends, but he pushed his doubts aside. They _were_ friends, and friends took care of one another when they were hurting.

Giving Rusty's shoulder a brief, reassuring squeeze, he tried to give the impression of knowing what he was doing when he spoke. "You're right, she's not going to like it if you stay in because of her. You took on a responsibility with that play and you shouldn't walk out on it. It's fine, Rusty. I'll make sure Sharon will be all right and you go and make sure they have light on that stage."

He knew how proud the kid had been that the drama teacher at his school had allowed him to be in charge of the technical aspects of this year's annual drama club production. It involved a lot of complicated and expensive equipment and it still surprised Rusty sometimes that people would trust him with such valuable things, considering his past.

When he still looked torn between his desire to leave and his concern for Sharon, Andy tried to give him something that would make him feel useful. "Okay, let's do this. You go to school and do your thing and on your way home you'll stop by that all-night café around the corner that Sharon likes so much. Then you can tell her all about your night over some chocolate fudge ice cream. I'll keep her company until you're back, and if anything should come up in the meantime, I promise to text you. Deal?"

Rusty knew what the Lieutenant was trying to do and he almost called him on it, but he was right. Sharon would hate it if he let his fellow students down and she probably would not talk to him anyway. Flynn stood a much better chance at getting her to open up, if anyone could do it at all. With a reluctant nod, he grabbed his backpack that he had dumped next to the small hallway table. "Okay, but you have to promise not to leave her alone until she feels better. Unless she tosses you out, I guess." He had not thought of that. Sharon could not make _him_ leave, because he lived there. Flynn was a different story, however, and he could not expect him to stick around when she insisted he leave.

Andy grinned at the kid. He saw the doubt cross his face and figured that he was imagining the same scene he did. What Rusty might not be aware of was the fact that, although Sharon was one of the most stubborn people either of them knew, he might be the one person who more than matched her in that department. "Don't worry about it, kid. She won't throw me out. She's too polite for that." With a wink, another promise to contact him if he should be needed, and well wishes for the rehearsal, he gave the boy a gentle push towards the door and waited till he had closed it behind him before he let his confident mask slip a little.

It took him a moment to figure out what to do next. His first impulse was to knock on her door and try to get her to talk to him, but he discarded that idea as quickly as it had come. She hated it when people saw her without her emotional control firmly in place and even if he thought that catching her a little off-balance might help making her open up, she would not appreciate it. She would be much more inclined to ask him to leave and that was something he did not want to risk.

In the end, he decided to make some tea and wait. She would come out eventually, if only to check if Rusty had made it out of the door on time. When she did, what happened next would be up to her. He would be more than happy to listen if she wanted to talk about what happened, he would provide a shoulder to cry on in the very unlikely event she needed it, or he would simply be the goofy friend who would come up with something to distract her and make her laugh. Until then, all he could do was be patient. As hard as that might be for him, he would do it for his friend.

It was almost twenty minutes later that the sound of a door opening and closing startled him out of his thoughts. Looking up from where he sat in one of her armchairs, a cup of tea in his hands, he saw her padding into the living room. She was headed towards the kitchen, but when her eyes landed on him, she froze.

"Andy, what… Oh my god, I completely forgot about… I'm so sorry." She pinched the bridge of her nose, her eyes closed as she drew several deep breaths in an attempt to collect herself.

He could not remember ever having seen her that flustered before. Rising from his seat, he closed the distance between them and placed a gentle hand on her upper arm, waiting for her to look at him. Her eyes stunned him into silence momentarily. He had always admired the different shades of green that came with different moods or a change in lighting, but he had never seen them like that. They were red-rimmed from crying and shining with the tears that still lingered close to the surface. The bright green of her irises was that of a deep, cold mountain lake, sprinkled with gold and brown, like fall leaves floating on the water.

Andy loved that her face was so beautifully expressive. Sharon Raydor might not be an overly emotional person, at least not on the outside, but to the people who knew her she was like an open book. In that moment, he could see it all right there in front of him. There was pain and embarrassment, a hint of anger and a lot of sadness. What truly startled him, however, was the fear he saw lingering in the background, making her tense when he touched her. He studied her even more closely, trying to detect any sign that Jack had hurt her with more than words. Since the other man seemed to have walked out on his own two feet, Andy was pretty sure that he had not laid a hand on her.

He let his fingers slide along her arm to clasp her hand, gently drawing her over to the couch. He poured her a cup of tea and sat down next to her, watching as she clasped the cup between both hands and took a sip of the hot, calming fluid.

"I'm sorry about the movie. I should have called you to cancel." She sounded more like herself, her voice stronger, but she would not look at him.

"It's okay, Sharon. Don't worry about it." He paused for a moment, long enough to take a sip of his own tea, before he went on to explain his presence.

"I ran into Rusty on his way out. He let me in." She nodded absentmindedly, staring into her cup, her brow furrowed as she no doubt tried to figure out a polite way to ask him why he had been sitting in her living room since then.

"He told me about Jack and he was a little worried about you. Worried enough that he was thinking about skipping his rehearsal. I promised him to make sure you're all right."

"Andy, I don't need a keeper. I'm perfectly okay on my own." She sounded only mildly put out by their scheming and it gave him hope that he might be able to get her to talk to him.

"Of course you don't need a keeper. But maybe you could use a friend." When he saw her get ready to protest, he went on without giving her a chance to voice her objections.

"Listen, you've been there for me a lot with my family. How many times have you listened to me complain about my ex-wife? Don't you think it's only fair if I get to help you out, too? Even if it's nothing more than lending you an understanding ear."

She shook her head, shifting slightly to the side, away from him and the soft touch of his hand. It was too much. There was this man who cared for her, who wanted to be her friend, but she could not let him. Sharon was not completely oblivious. She knew that Andy felt more for her than mere friendship. The way he often looked at her when he felt unobserved spoke volumes. There was a tenderness in his eyes and smile, a warmth in his voice when he addressed her, that carried so many promises, so much hope. It scared her.

For a while, she had thought that she could handle it, that she had finally left her past far enough behind to move on. She had hoped that they would get a chance to explore what was developing between them, that thing that was more than friendship, that was warmth, and comfort, and longing, and safety. Jack's presence had reopened all those old wounds, had reminded her of all the reasons why she had kept her heart to herself all these years.

Jack had always been able to get inside her head, to manipulate her. She had gotten smarter about it over the years, had gotten better at limiting the damage his words could do to her. A large part of the power he held over her was the fact that, despite everything he had put her through, there would always be a piece of her heart that belonged to him. Somewhere inside of her there was that young, naïve East Coast girl who had given up everything to be with the man she loved beyond reason. He had broken her heart more times than she could count, had almost broken her spirit once, but in some strange, masochistic way, she still loved him.

Maybe it was the fact that she had begun to open her heart to the affection she felt for Andy that had made her more receptive of his manipulations this time. She had not let him get to her the previous summer, even though there had been a tiny sparkle of hope when she had seen him sober and looking for work. Jack was a different man when the addictions did not have a hold of him. During those rare times it was easier to spot the man she had fallen in love with.

His sobriety was a thing of the past, however. He was back to drinking and being the same man who had once had the power to destroy her soul. She could not let that happen again, and the fact that he had managed to plant the seed of self-doubt inside her head once more was frightening. She could not go down that road ever again. If that meant cutting herself off from one of her closest friends, she would do that.

She was afraid to risk her heart like that, to give another person the key to that place she had guarded so carefully all these years. The thought of allowing Andy access made her breath catch in her throat and her pulse speed up with the rising tide of panic. She simply could not do it.

It would be so very easy to give in to the pull she felt towards him, to surrender to their mutual attraction. She knew that, if she allowed it, she could easily fall in love with this kind, generous man. However, she was terrified of what loving him would turn her into.

Professionally, she had always been strong and confident, sure of her abilities and comfortable in her skin, despite the disapproval and open hostility she had so often encountered. It was away from the job that she had issues with her self-esteem, where she tended to doubt, and question, and criticize. It was in her private life that a few thoughtless words from someone she trusted had the power to send her spinning into that dark, lonely place she had spent years working her way out of. She had sworn to herself almost two decades ago that she would never put herself in a position where she might end up in that place again. As much as she trusted Andy, she simply could not take the risk. After all, there had been a time when she had trusted Jack, too.

Sharon studied the aromatic steam that rose from her cup, curling upwards until it got lost among the surrounding air. Her eyes stayed focused on it when she finally spoke. "Andy, I don't think this is such a good idea. We shouldn't spend so much time together outside of work."

When she glanced up at him, she saw a brief flash of hurt cross his face before it made way for stubborn determination. He shook his head, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"No. You're not doing this again, Sharon. I don't know what happened, but we gave up on our friendship once and I'm not going to let that happen again. You'll have to fight me on this."

She had no trouble believing that. He would fight her and they would both end up hurt like they had before, when all she wanted was to protect him.

"Andy, please. I can't give you what you are searching for and don't pretend it's not more than friendship. I see the way you're looking at me. I haven't forgotten. I could never forget, but I can't be that woman for you. I'm sorry."

She wanted to cry. She wanted to be alone with her aching heart and the guilt over once again hurting Andy's feelings, but he did not let her. Instead of leaving, he reached out and took her hand between his, gently caressing the back with his thumb.

"I know you don't want me that way. You've been open about that from the beginning and I accept that. You're right, I do care a great deal about you, but what is most important is the fact that you're my friend. I don't expect anything else from you and I never will. You're a married woman and I'm not going to challenge that. I did it once and lost you. I can't do that again. Please trust me, Sharon. You don't have to do everything alone."

She tried to pull her hand out of his, but he did not let go, his thumb keeping up its soothing motion until she relaxed slightly. He painted such a beautiful picture of trust, and friendship, and care. It was hard to resist, but fear for her emotional stability made her try.

"It's not that simple. There are things that you don't know, things that you can't understand."

Sharon wished he would back off and let it go, that he would not look at her as if he tried to see through all the walls she had put up between them. She wished her heart were not at war with itself, making it easier for her to push him away. A part of her wished that he would get angry, that he would yell at her, giving her a solid, logical reason to be afraid. Instead, he was patient and understanding and too stubborn to walk away.

"Then help me understand. Tell me what I don't know. Maybe we can find a solution together. We're a pretty good team, after all," he suggested, his voice soft.

Her first impulse was to hide, to tell him that it was none of his business, and she ran with it. Never before had she talked about that part of her past with anyone outside her family and her therapist. There was no way she would share the darkest moments of her life with a subordinate, no matter how much time they spent with each other outside work.

"I can't, Andy. I am sorry. Just let it go, okay. Please." This time she succeeded in extracting her hand from his grip, and she rose from the couch to put some distance between them. As she stood in front of the large window, she heard his frustrated sigh behind her, was able to see him reflected in the glass, bending over to rest his elbows on his knees and rubbing his hands over his face. Hurting him had never been her intention and yet she kept doing it. Maybe Jack had been right all along. She was incapable of feeling anything and destined to ruin every relationship she got into. Despite the pain it caused her to imagine her life without the solid friendship she had come to depend upon, it would be for the best.

"I think you should leave," she stated, the tremor in her voice barely noticeable. She was not prepared for his reaction, had expected him to respect her wish, but it seemed as if his calm demeanour merely had been a front. Underneath, his legendary temper must already have brewed. She saw him jump up from his seat and stalk towards where she stood, his hand landing on her shoulder to spin her around to face him.

"Fine! If you think you have enough friends who are willing to put up with you, I'll go. I've been doing damn well without you all these years and I really don't know why I thought _this_ would be worth all the trouble." He gestured between the two of them, his eyes almost black as he glared at her. His voice rose with every word and Sharon had to fight the impulse to take a step back from him. His words hurt, ripping a large hole into her heart, but she had wanted to put more distance between them. What he said next made her recoil, though, the pain almost a physical one.

"I guess Jack was right. You are cold-hearted, after all. Should've listened to him all those years ago." With a shake of his head, Andy turned around and started towards the door, ignoring her shocked gasp and the tears of agony that filled her eyes.

It took her a moment to react, but when the anger finally hit full force, she was unable to suppress it. Rushing after him, she grabbed his arm to stop him. When he turned to look at her, she placed both of her hands against his chest and pushed him away from her. Her tone was far from its usual low, calm pitch, closer to yelling than she normally allowed. At that moment, she was beyond caring, however.

"How dare you?" She paused, shaking her head as she struggled to express her emotions. "How dare you speak to me like this? You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. What gives you the right to judge me when you don't know the first thing about what my life has been like? You can go to hell, Andy Flynn." She raised her hands to give him another shove, but he was faster this time, his grip firm and almost uncomfortable around her wrists. She struggled against his hold, her ire rising even more, but he refused to let her go. The desire to slap him was getting stronger with every passing second as the rage built inside her, making her stomach roll and her heart race.

"Let go of me, you bastard," she practically screamed at him, her eyes wide and dark with terror. Breathing was close to impossible as she felt the walls close in on her. She needed to get away from him. She needed space. There was not enough space, not enough air. Panic gripped her as she felt an all too familiar sense of helplessness and vulnerability. He was taking her to a place she had sworn she would never visit again, and it proved to her that they had gotten too close. She had let him sneak through her walls without realizing it.

"I can't do this again. I'm not going back there. Please don't make me go through this again." Tears ran down her cheeks, her struggle becoming weaker. She stared up at him, her eyes begging him to understand, to walk away, but he did not. He closed his eyes, giving air to his annoyance in a quiet grunt.

"You're right. I don't know what your life has been like. Maybe it's time you told me." Andy took a deep breath, loosening his grip around her wrists, sliding his hands up along her arms in a gentle caress. When he continued to speak, his voice had returned to the quiet rumble she loved.

"You can push as much as you want, but I won't leave you, Sharon. I'm not Jack. I'm not going anywhere."

Maybe it was the hypnotic way in which he stroked her upper arms, or his deep, confident voice, or his unwavering gaze that made the fight leave her body. She sagged against his chest, squeezing her eyes shut against the flood of tears that would not stop. She wanted nothing more than to believe him, to find comfort and safety in his warm embrace and in that moment, she had the overwhelming feeling that she could.

He held her for a long moment, gently swaying back and forth and giving her time to calm down. She felt the reassuring rhythm of his heart against her cheek and inhaled the familiar scent of his aftershave. With every breath she took, her panic receded a little more and the darkness that had threatened to overwhelm her retreated to the back of her mind once more.

The decision to trust him with this incredibly personal information was not a conscious one. Words she thought she did not have started to tumble over her lips, tentative at first, as if she were testing his reaction, but gaining confidence the longer she spoke.

Andy guided her back to the sofa and eased both of them down to settle against the soft cushions without letting go of her. Slowly, bit by painful bit, she revealed all the things she had spent decades trying to forget.

 **~TBC~**


	2. Chapter 2

**Until You Can't Let Go**

 **Chapter 2**

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 **Time:** A little over 20 years ago

Sharon should probably have seen it coming. Their marriage had been doomed from the very beginning, but she had been too naïve to realize it. They had known each other since high school, but had gotten closer during her sophomore year of college. Their fathers knew each other from the court house and moved in the same social circles. William O'Dwyer, a judge for the city of Boston, had a very high opinion of Douglas Raydor, both as a lawyer and as a man. It was Raydor's youngest son he did not particularly care for. He always said that Jack was immature and reckless, focusing on his own pleasure too much. There was no denying that Jack was smart and ambitious, however. He had graduated high school among the top of his class and had been accepted by the best colleges in the country, just like Sharon. That had done nothing to convince Judge O'Dwyer that the boy was anything but trouble.

Needless to say, Sharon's opinion of the young man had been quite different. From the moment he had asked her to the annual school dance she had been infatuated with the handsome, charming, and undoubtedly intelligent Jack Raydor. He had made her feel special, beautiful, and adored and she had soaked it up like a sponge, hungry for the attention. She had never been the cheerleader type, although she certainly had the looks. Her passions were books and dancing and spending her time between school, studying, a number of volunteer projects, and ballet classes, she simply did not have a lot of spare time to socialize. Very few boys were willing to put up with that, so Jack had been the first to be serious about dating her.

For her entire junior year of college, he had been around. They had studied and laughed together. He had taken her out every weekend, treating her to dinners, and flowers, and the most beautiful gifts.

Jack had been the first and only man who had gotten to do more than hold her hand. She had trusted him when they had made out for hours in the backseat of his car, and she had trusted him when making out had turned into more. Every day, he had told her one way or another how much he loved her. Sometimes it had been flowers, sometimes a little note or a phone call in the evening and sometimes he had dropped by late at night, throwing pebbles against her window until she opened it so he could tell her in person. She had thought it was romantic and she had never hesitated to return the sentiment.

It had been only a few weeks before his college graduation when Jack had proposed. Sharon had been over the moon, excited to share the happy news with their families. What she had not expected was their parents disagreeing so vehemently with their plan to get married before they left for grad school. They had imagined that they would have the wedding in the summer. Jack had wanted to work for a year, to acquire some practical experience at his father's law firm before diving into the books again. The idea had been for them to go to the same law school once she graduated the following year, and Sharon had already been dreaming about a tiny off-campus apartment they would share and how they would continue to study together.

Jack's parents had not necessarily been against it. They had always liked Sharon and had been convinced that she would be a good influence on their slightly impulsive son.

Her parents, on the other hand, had been livid. She had never heard her father yell like that and even her mother had had a few choice words for her. After a lot of fighting and many tears, they had suggested that they wait with the wedding until after both of them graduated from law school. If it had been up to her father, he would have made her promise not to marry until after she was established as a lawyer, if ever. Sharon was certain that her parents had hoped she would move on and find another boy she liked without them having to interfere.

She had been ready to agree with them, to let them have their way, but Jack had been so sweet and so convincing with the beautiful picture he painted of the life they could lead.

So they had run away, packed a few bags and stuffed them in the back of Jack's old Ford and left for the West Coast in the middle of the night, only days after Jack's graduation ceremony. They had driven through Las Vegas on their way to Los Angeles and gotten married in a tiny chapel in front of someone who might or might not have been a real priest. It had not been the elaborate, elegant ceremony she had always dreamed of. The gaudily decorated chapel had been a far cry from the dignified catholic church her family attended and her jeans and t-shirt had not been the stunning, white wedding gown of her dreams. There had been no cake and no dancing, her father had not given her away and her mother had not gotten a chance to cry as she said her vows. Sharon had missed her large, loud and loving family, but they had not wanted to be a part of this. They did not approve of the man her heart had chosen.

Despite all the things she wished her wedding had been, Sharon had been deliriously happy. Their wedding night in a slightly run-down roadside motel had not been the cruise to Europe they had imagined, but they had enjoyed it nonetheless. It had been fun to drink cheap champagne on the squeaking bed and to enjoy being together without the ever-present catholic guilt or the fear of being discovered by one of their parents.

Once they had arrived in Los Angeles, they had discovered that life was a little harder than they had imagined. While Jack had been able to get into UCLA on a baseball scholarship that paid most of his expenses, Sharon still had to find a way to pay for her last year of college. She had been lucky enough to get a spot at UCLA as well to finish her degree, but without a scholarship or the support of her parents, she had had to work. Finding a job as a waitress in a bar close to campus had been easy, but working six nights a week in addition to her schoolwork and keeping up with the housework had been a lot harder.

And yet, she had enjoyed the freedom and excitement of their new life. They had been madly in love with each other and with this new home of theirs. Nothing had been able to ruin their happiness.

The first major disappointment had come when she had realized that due to her family background it would be close to impossible for her to qualify for a scholarship. Her intelligence and determination to succeed had been her only option to get one, but since her parents had money, she would never be the first choice, even if she met all the academic requirements.

When Jack had lost his scholarship because he had showed up intoxicated for a couple of games, her hopes of going to law school after college had been destroyed. They had decided that she would work full time until Jack graduated and got established. Then he would pay her way through law school. She had not given up her dream; she had merely put it off for a little while.

One night, Jack had visited her at work and brought a buddy he had met at another bar a few days before. It had been a slow night, giving her a chance to chat with Jack and his friend, to get to know the handsome, dark-haired man with the intriguing brown eyes. On that first night, she had learned that he was a cop and that he had a great sense of humor. He was married, had a little son, and he proudly showed off the pictures, but it had not stopped him from flirting with her. He had not been too obvious about it when Jack was around, but sometimes he had come by without her husband. Those had been the nights he had laid it on thick, giving her bright smiles and appreciative glances, letting her know that he liked the way she looked. He had made her feel good and she had looked forward to seeing him, enjoying their talks and the way they exchanged sarcastic remarks until the other patrons around them laughed out loud.

It was Andy Flynn who had planted the idea to become a police officer in her head. At first, Jack had not been happy about it, telling her that it was a man's job, that it was dangerous and that she was not tough enough for it. When she had told him how much she would earn once she graduated from the academy, he had changed his mind reluctantly. It would make their life easier and it would take her away from all the drunk guys who tried to talk his wife into a quickie in the bar's storage room.

As far as Sharon was concerned, being a cop would only be a temporary situation, a way to pay the bills until Jack would be able to support them and it definitely looked better on a résumé than her job at the bar. It would also give her valuable insights into that side of law enforcement, something that might help her later on, when she finally got her chance to attend law school.

She hated to admit it, but Jack had been right; it was tough and it was a man's world that she had entered the moment she joined the academy. Her stubborn nature had prevented her from quitting whenever the idea occurred to her, as it had frequently. Her instructors had been determined to prove to her that she had no place on the force, being harder on her than her male classmates and pushing her to her limits and beyond. Many nights she had come home, gone straight to the bathroom and locked herself in, the hot water of the shower washing her tears away. She had never allowed anyone to see her doubts and fears, least of all Jack. The shower was the place for her tears. Once she left it, the appearance of calm control was firmly back in place. That was something she had learned during that time, after she had made the mistake of sharing her pain with her husband one night. His smug _"I told you so"_ and his lack of support and confidence in her ability to succeed had hurt more than any derisive or misogynistic comment from her instructors or colleagues ever could.

If she thought things would be easier once she graduated, she had been mistaken. Her first ride-alongs had been horrible, as she had been assigned to an old, grumpy officer who had been happy to let her know what he thought of women wearing the uniform.

One night, she had walked into a bar close to headquarters, determined to forget her dreadful shift over a few shots of whiskey. When she had seen Andy Flynn sitting at the bar, she had been ready to turn around and leave, but his friendly, inviting smile had made her change her mind. He had bought her a drink and lent her an understanding ear. He had heard what people said about her, how they talked behind her back and to her face and he had correctly interpreted her mood. Sharon would never have expected him to be such a good listener or to find the right words to encourage her. He had told her about the bets people placed on how long she would make it and got her to promise not to give up because he had his money riding on her making Lieutenant before any of them would. It had made her laugh and she had told him that she did not plan to stay on the force that long, that she had other plans, but she had felt better, more confident about the path she had chosen.

It had helped that she had been assigned to be Andy's partner after her first six months on patrol. He had not gone easier on her than the officers she had worked with before and they had frequently fought about procedure and the rules he hated and she found comfort in, but he had never once given her the impression that he thought her incapable of doing the job. He had trusted her to have his back and it had surprised her how much that meant to her.

With her rising comfort and confidence at work, her marriage had become more and more troubled. The slightly naïve and shy East Coast girl had slowly disappeared and made room for an independent woman who felt secure in who she was and what she did. It had started harmlessly enough with Jack asking her a lot of questions about work, about her colleagues and her day. At first, she had not picked up on his subtle show of displeasure whenever Andy had come up or when she had mentioned any other man commenting on her looks or even just paying her more attention than her husband thought appropriate.

She did not remember when she had first started noticing how possessive and controlling he had become. At some point he had been around her all the time. Whenever she had joined her colleagues for a drink after work, he had been there. Even at official work functions he had hovered over her, chasing off anyone who showed more than a strictly professional interest in her. Men looking at her longer than Jack deemed appropriate, a handshake taking longer than necessary or someone simply complimenting her on her outfit had been rewarded with a dark scowl and sometimes even a rude comment.

The few times he had not been able to accompany her, she had come home to a barrage of questions and accusations. After one particularly bad fight during which Jack had implied that she was cheating on him, she had become more cautious of her interactions with her colleagues. More often than not, she had found reasons not to join them at the pub or to stay away from official functions. After a while her colleagues had stopped asking.

How had she missed what Jack had done to her? For years he had worked at separating her from her social contacts. First it had been her family. After they had run away, Sharon had still had some contact with her mother and sisters. It had not been more than a few phone calls every other week and it had stopped when she had ended one of those calls crying because she had gotten into a fight with her mother. Until that point, Jack had not known about those occasional talks. He had made her feel guilty for communicating with people who did not approve of him, had questioned her commitment to him and their marriage. She had stopped calling them after that. At the time, she had told herself that it was because she did not want to listen to their complaints about Jack and the life she had chosen.

At work, she had slowly become known as distant, cold, and overly professional. While not exactly disliking her, people had kept their distance, only interacting with her when it had been absolutely necessary. The one exception in all of this had been Andy Flynn. As her partner he had been closer to her than anyone else. He might not have known what exactly had been going on in her marriage, but she was certain that he had suspected that something was wrong. He had been her only true social contact apart from Jack for the longest time, and she had poured every bit of her craving for company into that relationship.

Andy had become her best friend, her confidante, and the big, protective brother she had always wanted. More than once he had offered to talk to Jack, had even brought up the possibility of leaving him, but she had always assured him that she loved her husband and that he loved her. He had accepted that, even though she had noticed his concern and the increasing tension between him and Jack. They had still joked over a few drinks occasionally, but there had always been something else, something that had reminded her of two alpha males eying each other, both waiting for the other to cross into their territory.

When exactly things between her and Andy had changed she could no longer remember. It must have been some time after they both had passed their detective's exams, but before they had gotten promoted. To say she had never before thought about Andy in a romantic context would have been a lie; she had always found him attractive and charming and had enjoyed the time she spent with him. More and more often she had caught her mind wandering in that direction, had found herself looking at him with different eyes. She had been able to suppress those thoughts for a long time, had been able to pretend that it was nothing more than a fleeting infatuation with a handsome man. It had not been anything to be worried about – until it was.

 _It was one of those endless nights when everyone seemed to go crazy. Andy blamed it on the full moon, but she was convinced that it just_ felt _worse than usual. Their shift had been nearing its end when they had been called out to a domestic dispute in one of the better parts of the city. Breaking the quarreling couple up had been truly dirty work – in the most literal sense possible. Apparently, the husband's attempt at installing a cheap pool had gone horribly wrong, turning the backyard into a giant muddy puddle. By the time they had calmed both spouses down, Andy and Sharon had gotten a thorough mud bath._

 _Standing next to their car, they held onto each other, bending over with laughter as they finally got a good look at their mud-caked clothes. Sharon reached out to wipe some dirt off Andy's cheek but ended up making the situation much worse with her filthy hands. Her sense of order compelled her to produce a similar dark stripe on his other cheek, making her break out in another giggling fit when he looked like a fierce warrior – one who had fallen off his horse right into a puddle._

 _She knew that Andy would make her pay as she saw him narrow his eyes, and yet she was unprepared for his lightning-fast move. In the space of a second, he grabbed her hands, brought them behind her back, spun her around, and pushed her back against the car, her hands trapped behind her and held in place by one of his. The other one he wiped all over her face, making sure to cover every bit of her pale skin with dark mud, her squeals muffled by his palm. Once he was satisfied with the result, he let his hand slide down to rest against her neck, his thumb drawing small circles over her pulse point. His eyes sparkled, full of mischief, as he grinned at her triumphantly._

 _Then something shifted in his look; it softened, turning more intense as if he were trying to reach into the depth of her soul. Sharon froze, realizing all of a sudden how close he was, feeling his body pressed against hers and the way his proximity made her skin tingle pleasantly, a shiver running down her spine when she felt his hot breath against her cheek. She was unable to stop him. It was not because she was too weak or he was forcing himself onto her. It was the fact that she wanted it to happen, had waited and hoped for it for a long time._

 _His lips were soft and he tasted of earth and coffee, and it was heaven. She moaned, willingly answering the insistent request of his tongue, meeting it with hers as she let him deepen the kiss, her arms sliding around the back of his neck, holding onto him. He pushed his lower body into hers, his growing arousal grinding against her, making her knees go weak with desire. When he gently nudged one of his knees between her legs, she widened her stance, straddling his thigh, shamelessly seeking her own pleasure. His hands on her bottom urged her on, pulling her against him._

 _They got lost in each other for a long time, not sparing a single thought for where they were or who they were or what they were supposed to be to one another. For a few blissful minutes their entire existence was limited to the space they occupied, to their shared breaths and pounding hearts, and to the passion raging inside their veins._

 _It ended as suddenly as it had started, the sound of an approaching car ripping them out of their blissful state. With a hard push, Sharon forced him to take a step backwards, trembling fingers covering her swollen lips as she tried to catch her breath and comprehend what they had just done. She stared at him wide-eyed, finding him as startled by their impulsive actions as she was. There was something else in the depth of his eyes, something that made them sparkle in a way she had never seen before. It scared her, but at the same time it touched a part of her that basked in its glow, that fluttered and came alive after lying dormant for a long time._ That _frightened her even more._

 _For a moment she was torn between her longing to grab onto that something, to explore what exactly it was and what it could grow into, and the knowledge of what was right. They were both married. He had a little son and he loved his wife, just as she loved Jack. They simply could not give in to that madness, for it was nothing else; hormone-driven madness that could only end in pain and chaos._

" _Andy," she whispered, her voice sounding rough and broken. "What have we done?" Her chest rose and fell with her rapid breathing and she thought it would explode with the forceful pounding of her heart. Sadness clouded his eyes as he reached out to take both of her hands in his, looking down to study their entwined fingers. The moment his eyes rose to meet hers once again, she knew that she did not want to hear what he was about to say. It was the fear that she would like it, would feel compelled to return the words once they were spoken, that made her shake her head vigorously, but she could not silence him._

 _He looked desperate, helpless against the emotions inside him and the flood of words that tumbled from his lips against both their wills. "I don't know. I never meant to love you, but I do, so much that it hurts."_

 _Tears spilled over her lashes as she shook her head again, slowly, disbelievingly this time. Her mouth formed one word over and over, but her vocal cords were incapable of producing a sound._ No. No. No. _Over and over the same voiceless denial. Carefully tugging her hands out of his grasp, she stepped back, turning away from him and what was so clear to see in his eyes, in the softness of his gaze and the gentle touch of his hands._

 _She felt him come up behind her and raised her hand to keep him from touching her again. It would be her undoing, the last push her already crumbling resolve would need._

" _No! You love Amanda. I know you do. You can't possibly love me. You can't!"_

 _Sharon almost choked on the words, her voice breaking as she forced them out. Who she tried to convince, she did not know._

" _Maybe there is more than one perfect person for everyone. Maybe life isn't meant to be just black and white." He had ignored her warning, his hands caressing her hips as he stood behind her, pulling her back until she leaned into him, his lips gently brushing against her ear as he spoke._

" _We made our choices years ago, Andy. We can't just step back from them because we feel like it."_

 _Oh, but how she wanted to! She wanted to give in, to accept his words and return them, to fall into their promise of a different life, possibly a happier one. She ached with the need to sink into his arms and forget reason and responsibility, but she could not do it. Her marriage might not be the eternal bliss she had hoped for, but she had made that commitment, she had promised Jack forever, and she would not break that promise. Her Catholic upbringing was the major factor in that decision, but a small part of it was also pride. She had defied her parents when she ran off to get married to a man they thought was not right for her. She had been determined to prove them wrong and she refused to admit that maybe they had been right after all._

 _She did love Jack, despite all their problems. Considering what had just happened, she could not even claim that his jealousy was unfounded. It was quite possible that he had seen something she had been blind to before. It made her feel guilty for wishing he had not changed, that he would still be the same cheerful, carefree young man who had shown her every day how much he loved her. As much as her heart felt torn between the two men, as much as she yearned to walk the easier path, with the man whose embrace felt so right, whose touch awoke parts of her she had not known existed, she knew what her choice had to be._

 _Placing her hands over his, she resisted the longing to draw them around her more tightly, pulling them off her body instead, so she could step away from him. She saw him get ready to protest, to find a way to convince her, but this time she was able to stop him with a shake of her head._

" _No, Andy. We can't do this. I'm sorry." She briefly placed her hand against his chest, caressing the spot right over his heart before she pulled away. Taking a deep breath she pushed all the pain and longing and desire away, determined to go back to the way things had been. Only her voice still held a trace of her true state of mind, wavering slightly when she spoke. "We should go. It's time to go home."_

 _With that, she turned to walk around the car to the driver's side, but Andy's hand on her arm stopped her in her tracks. The desperate plea he directed at the back of her head made her breath catch. "I don't want to lose you, Sharon."_

 _Her first impulse was to promise that he could never lose her, that they would always have their friendship, but the reality of their situation kept her from saying it. The truth tore her heart apart inside her chest as she closed her eyes against her tears. How could they keep this wonderful, warm, deep friendship that she cherished so much when both of them knew that it was so much more? How could she laugh with him and share her fears and heartaches with him when she knew how his hands felt on her body, how incredibly sweet his kisses tasted and how her insides fluttered with the feelings he awakened in her whenever he looked at her?_

 _But she was just as incapable of letting him go, of breaking his heart even more than she already had. She wanted to believe that they could make it work. She needed to hold on to that faint hope to keep herself from breaking. She could not lose him._

" _We will make it work. Just give it some time, Andy," she replied quietly before she continued to round the car._

That morning over breakfast, she had faced the countless questions she had gotten used to hearing from her husband. Her lack of response and the way she had picked at her food without really eating had made him even more suspicious, and after a while she had retreated to the bathroom, telling him she was exhausted.

Things had only gotten worse after that. As much as Sharon and Andy had tried to preserve their friendship, every interaction had been laced with awkwardness and an overabundance of caution. They had been reluctant to spend any time alone, and when that had been necessary, they had carefully walked the narrow line of professionalism. That one unguarded moment had ruined what had been her solace, her temporary escape from a prison of her own making, and the knowledge made her soul ache.

At home, things had not been any better. Jack had been even more cautious, more jealous, and more controlling of her every move. She had let him. Her guilt over what she had let happen playing into his hands. Of course he had noticed the change in her demeanor, had not been blind to her sadness. He had suggested a transfer, claiming that getting away from all the mean drunks, thieves, and murderers and the cynicism of her colleagues would help.

Jack had heard through some friends that Internal Affairs would be looking for someone new soon. Since they had still needed the money her job provided, IA had seemed to be the best option in his eyes. She had not wanted the job at first, knowing what everyone thought of that particular division. She had looked for other openings within the department, without much luck. While she was just as qualified as her male colleagues and had proven that she was more than capable of doing the job, the majority of division heads had merely smiled at her, stopping short of giving her a pat on the head, and told her that she wasn't what they were looking for.

It had been the news of her pregnancy that had given her the final push. In IA she would not deal with as many dangerous suspects as elsewhere, and with a child on the way she could not take any unnecessary risks. It would only be for another few years, anyway, until Jack passed the bar and got a job.

At first, she had believed that they had gotten back on the right track. Jack had been elated when she had told him that she was pregnant. Happiness and love had returned to his eyes and had reminded her of all the things she loved about him. They had gone out more, and if he always kept his arm around her and a watchful eye on her, he camouflaged it as being a doting husband and proud daddy.

Their renewed state of bliss had only lasted a couple of years. Jack had gotten a decent job at a local law firm and had started to make a name for himself. As much as she had wanted to quit her job and attend law school, it simply had not been feasible with a small child and a husband who worked long hours for very little money. Despite her having worked during his time at law school, a loan had been necessary to pay for the part of tuition her income could not cover. That had added up to a substantial amount of money they had to pay off. Adding even more to it had not been an option at the time. Once again, Sharon had pushed her own dreams aside to be what her family needed.

* * *

 **~TBC~**


	3. Chapter 3

**Until You Can't Let Go**

 **Chapter 3**

* * *

While stressful and not filled with an overabundance of social contacts, Sharon had enjoyed the months of her pregnancy and the first two years of being a mother. The time had been filled with happiness and hope, and the negative aspects of her new job had not been able to truly bother her. Once she had transferred, it had been easier to let go of her friendship with Andy and to push aside thoughts of what might have been.

When he had learned of her plans, Andy had been livid. She had promised him that they would stay friends, that all they needed was time. Instead of giving them that time, she had run. It had not necessarily been the transfer itself that had made him so angry, but the division she had chosen. They had always talked about joining Robbery-Homicide together, but she had joined the Rat Squad instead. From that moment on, things between them had been over. He had refused to talk to her, and she had welcomed the chance to distance herself from the danger that was Andy Flynn, even if losing her friend had broken her heart.

Despite Jack working very long hours and her job keeping her away many nights and weekends, their life together had been good. They had been the family she had always dreamed about, although it might have been a little less exhausting in her dreams. Jack had made sure to reserve the weekends for _his girls_ as he loved to call them. Frequently, that had meant that he had amused Emily while she worked. He had been a good father back then and Emily adored him, always clinging to him when he had been there and hanging onto his every word. He had loved his little girl more than anything.

And then things had changed.

In the years that followed Emily's second birthday, Sharon had learned the true meaning of loneliness. Jack's problems had started gradually and it had taken her a while to become aware of them. At some point, he had started staying out longer in the evenings, coming home reeking of smoke and alcohol. _A meeting with a client_ , he would say one night, _celebrating a big win in court_ , the other. There had always been a reason, until she had stopped asking. Not because she had not cared anymore, but because she had stopped believing the stories he had told her, if he had even been sober enough to give her an answer.

Most nights, he had come home and passed out on the sofa, unable to stay conscious long enough to make it all the way to their bedroom. Some nights, however, he had been alert, and loud, and demanding. It had been those times that she had begun to see a side of her husband that had been completely foreign to her previously.

There was a certain state of inebriation that made Jack particularly amorous and not very willing to listen to her objections. Whenever he had tried to crawl into their bed after one of his nights at the pub, she had turned away from him, disgusted by the smell of alcohol and the way he had looked at her. Some nights he would simply grunt in protest and fall asleep, but sometimes he would touch her and tell her what he wanted to do with her, and it would always make her skin crawl.

She had loved him, despite everything, and she had enjoyed the intimate side of their marriage when he had been sober and it had been about two equal partners expressing their love for one another. A quick round of drunk sex for the sole purpose of satisfying his lust had made her feel cheap and dirty. Her rejection of his advances had only served to anger him.

He had never forced himself on her. Even in his intoxicated state he had been aware that his wife had hand-to-hand combat training and would know how to make sure he stayed away from her. Physical violence had never been his style. Jack had a knack for getting into her head, however. He knew her inside out, knew all her weaknesses, her insecurities, and he had never been afraid to exploit that knowledge.

He had found his way of getting to her, had laid the groundwork for it from the very beginning of their relationship by separating her from her social contacts and making her dependent on his company. The fact that people at work had despised her for her love of the rules, and had called her names, and made fun of her, had worked in his favor. Her boss and her fellow team members had accepted her more out of necessity than out of a true belief in her abilities. Recognition for a job well done had come in the form of no criticism.

She had been starved for some form of appreciation, for someone to see her as more than a walking rulebook or an inconvenience, and Jack had been the only one to provide her with that. She had trusted him, and he had used that. It had started gradually, small jabs and seemingly minor critique of her looks, her actions, or her behavior strewn into conversation every now and then. She had not even noticed it, even when it had happened more and more often.

Jack had gradually stripped away her self-confidence, leaving her insecure and feeling worthless. Of course, she had never let anyone see it. To the outside world, Sharon Raydor had always been confident and independent, someone who would not take crap from anyone. That brazen front had been her protection against the vultures that surrounded her at work. They would have eaten her alive if she had let them see even the smallest hint of weakness. And for a very long time, _confident_ and _independent_ would have been exactly how she would have described herself. She had not been aware of how much the seed of doubt in her own worth that Jack had planted inside her was affecting her until it had been too late.

The thought of ending her marriage had occurred to her several times, as happiness had become a distant memory. More often than not, Jack had come home drunk or not at all. Occasionally, she had smelled cheap perfume on his clothes the next morning, indicating that he had spent his night in the company of other women. When she had confronted him about it the first few times, he had claimed that she had not given him a choice with the way she had turned cold on him. He had complained about her looks, the fact that having a child had changed her body, adding more curves and transforming the skinny body of a girl into that of a woman. In his opinion, she had let herself go, had apparently no longer cared about pleasing her husband and whenever he had wanted her, she had turned him down. To him, that had been more than enough reason to look for his fun elsewhere. After a while, she had stopped commenting on his philandering.

One morning after another one of their late night fights, she had mentioned that she was no longer happy and that she thought they should consider separating. She had never seen him that mad. After a seemingly endless argument, Jack had silenced her by bringing up Andy. He had accused her of being a hypocrite for calling him on his occasional indiscretions when it had been her who had fallen in love with another man.

Her guilt over Andy had only been one reason for her to stay. She had grown up in a devoutly Catholic house, and marriage had always been considered sacred. She had seen her parents struggle through their own differences. They had never given up on each other or their family. Her father had had a series of affairs as well, a fact she had become aware of when she had overheard a discussion between her parents when she was younger. Her mother had simply accepted it and moved on, despite the pain it must have caused her. Divorce had never been an option in her family and she had felt bad for even entertaining the idea.

Then there had been Emily. She had been too young to understand the problems her parents had been having. For her, Daddy had still been the most amazing human being, and Sharon had not been able to take that away from her. Being a single mother with a full time job had not been what she had imagined for herself, and she had been too proud and too stubborn to admit defeat.

When she had become pregnant with Ricky, hope had flared up for a short while. She had thought that Jack would be happy, because he had always talked about having another child. Her dream of a sober and loving husband had died, however, when she had told him about her pregnancy. According to him, it had been a deliberate act on her part to blackmail him into changing, to chain him to her. He had complained that she would have even less time for him and that she would become even fatter and less attractive, that she would have even less time to take care of herself.

In the end, his own Catholic upbringing had kept him from outright suggesting she get an abortion, and Sharon had decided to ignore the implication, still hoping that he would come around. Over the course of her pregnancy, she had sometimes caught him looking at her a certain way. It had usually been while playing with Emily. His eyes had lingered on her growing belly, softening slightly and filling with a familiar warmth. There had been tender moments between them, moments when she had firmly believed that they would be able to work out their differences. They had made her forget the loneliness and the pain for a while.

With Ricky's birth, things had improved again, with Jack being once again a proud and happy father. He had even cut back on the drinking to spend more time with his family. Sharon had never been as proud of her husband as the night he had come home to tell her about his first AA meeting. He had wanted to be better for them and that had been enough for her to forgive him all his other failings. In return, she had tried her best to please him, getting up an hour earlier to go running and spending more time in the bathroom each morning, obsessing over her hair and makeup.

After Jack had won a particularly big case, which had earned him a substantial bonus, they had decided to buy a house. The sizable, white house with the large, airy rooms and the beautiful backyard had been her dream, and she could not have been happier when they had finally been able to call it theirs. They had gotten it for a good price, and with the money Jack had earned, the mortgage had been reasonable.

She had thought that they had found secure footing once again. It had been how they had pictured their life together, except maybe for her job, but she had not given up on studying law. She had been convinced that her time would come, just as she had been convinced that she had her husband back.

What had happened next had caught her completely by surprise. She had been so focused on her children and her job that she had not noticed the signs. They had been less noticeable this time, as he had not come home smelling of cheap bourbon or easy women. Looking back, she realized that she should have seen it. He had become distant and cold, staying out longer and becoming increasingly critical of her once again. He had called her a boring, nagging wife when she had asked him to be around more, had accused her of being controlling and manipulative when she had asked where he was or mentioned that the children missed him.

Then she had come home one day to find most of his things gone from their house. A letter the only thing he had left behind. It had been full of words designed to hurt her, to blame her, and to make her feel unworthy of his love. Ricky had been too young to comprehend the fact that their father had abandoned them, but the five-year-old Emily had been inconsolable. For weeks she had been withdrawn and sad, only reluctantly letting Sharon comfort her. She had wanted her Daddy.

Three weeks after he had left, Sharon had gotten another unpleasant surprise in the form of a letter from their bank informing her that their mortgage payment was overdue. She had always let Jack handle their finances, while she had been in charge of housework. It had been the way they had experienced it growing up and she had never thought of questioning it. Several phone calls to the bank and a couple of sleepless nights spent trying to make sense of the transactions and paperwork she had been able to find, she had come to the frightening realization that Jack had cleaned out their accounts in addition to taking out a second mortgage on their house. He had left her and their children with a house they could no longer afford and nothing more than the cash she carried in her wallet.

The very real possibility of losing their home within the next few months was not even the most pressing problem. She had twenty-two dollars to feed her kids for the rest of the month - a month that had only just begun. Even with her next paycheck, things would not look much better. After making the mortgage payments and the payment for Jack's student loan, she would have nothing left for them to live on.

Sharon covered her face with her hands, feeling the blood drain from it as panic gripped her heart in an iron fist. She could not breathe, the roaring in her ears almost deafening, and dark spots danced in front of her eyes. All she could think about was her two babies, who understood nothing of the situation, who would be homeless and hungry if she could not come up with some sort of solution.

She had already tried to contact Jack, but he was gone without a trace. He had quit his job and, for all she knew, left town. None of his friends had any idea where he might be.

Her attempt to negotiate a deal with the bank had failed as well. The person she had been talking to had been of the opinion that the bank was not responsible for the fact that she and her husband had communication problems. That left her with nothing.

Tears filled her eyes as she looked around the spacious living room with its large floor-to-ceiling windows and the beautiful yard she had designed to be both a place for her children to play and a relaxing oasis for her and her husband. She had put her heart and soul into this home and the prospect of losing it broke her heart.

As the early morning sun slowly flooded the room with its warm light, Sharon realized that there was only one thing she could possibly do. She had no friends to rely on, her husband was gone, and even though her job paid well, it was not even remotely enough.

She stared at the telephone for a long while, dread, shame, and guilt sitting heavily in the pit of her stomach. She probably would not have done it if it had only been herself, but she had her children to consider. They needed a home and they needed food. The phone felt like lead when she picked it up and reluctantly dialed the number she had not used in many years.

It only rang three times, and when Sharon heard the familiar, warm voice, her breath caught in her throat and tears sprang to her eyes. It had been more than eight years since they had last spoken. There were so many things they could talk about, so many things they _needed_ to talk about, but for the longest time Sharon was unable to give voice to the jumbled thoughts inside her head.

When the person on the other end of the line grew more and more frustrated with the lack of response, Sharon choked out one word, her throat aching and her voice weak and raspy with emotion.

"Momma?"

There was a sudden silence following her tentative greeting, and Sharon's stomach turned with anxiety. What if she did not want to talk to her? So much time had passed and her parents had been so disappointed in her.

After what felt like minutes to her, she could hear the other woman draw a shaky breath before she replied.

"Ronnie? Is that you?" she asked, a mixture of disbelief, hope, and sadness in her tone.

When she heard her childhood nickname in the beautiful, melodic voice of the woman who had read to her, taught her to sing, held her when she had been hurt, and spent hours talking to her about absolutely everything, Sharon lost the last bit of control over her emotions. Never in the nine years since she had move away from home had she felt the distance so keenly. Suddenly, telling her mother everything that was weighing on her mind seemed like the easiest thing in the world. Despite being an adult and a mother herself, she was overwhelmed by the reassuring knowledge that she was speaking to the one person who would understand, who would love her no matter what, and who would help her make it all right again.

 **~TBC~**


	4. Chapter 4

**Until You Can't Let Go**

 **Chapter 4**

* * *

 **Time:** Same as in Chapter 1

Sharon's voice was hoarse from talking. She had alternately sat on the sofa, curled into Andy's side or paced back and forth in front of the windows. The view of the city had given her comfort whenever she had felt like she needed some distance. This time it was Andy who stood up, giving her knee a gentle squeeze before he walked into the kitchen to prepare some more tea. It gave her a few minutes to compose herself, to draw some deep breaths and wipe the tears off her cheeks. It surprised her how much relief she felt at finally talking to him about her marriage, to acknowledge their shared past instead of pretending they had never met before she joined FID, that they had never meant the world to one another.

Andy's quiet presence and the warmth of his hand around hers made it easy to speak of all those things she had buried long ago. He made her feel safe, listened with a kind ear without judging her.

When he returned to the sofa with two cups of tea, she took hers gratefully, wrapping her hands around it to warm them. For a moment they sat in comfortable silence, allowing their thoughts to drift, before Sharon started to talk again, continuing her story where she had left off. Andy simply held his hand out to her, offering his silent support, and she took it gladly.

"My parents took the first flight to LA they could get and were here two days after I had called them. I expected them to say that they had warned me about Jack, but they didn't. They were simply there. My mother took care of the children, distracted them with all kinds of activities and spoiling them rotten, while my father helped me make sense of the mess Jack had left me with. He got the paperwork for the legal separation in order and made sure I didn't have to pay for Jack's student loan anymore. And even though I protested, they paid off both mortgages. They wanted to be sure that their grandchildren would not be tossed out of their home at some point." She sighed and shook her head as she recalled the argument she'd had with her parents about how much she would allow them to get involved in her life. In the end, she had bowed to their very sensible arguments.

"It took me more than ten years, but I paid them back every cent. They didn't want me to, but it was the one concession I got them to make. I had allowed Jack to handle my business for years and it had ended in a huge mess. After that, I swore to myself that I would not let that happen again. I needed my parents' help to get out of that deep hole, but from that moment on, I needed to take care of my family on my own."

She hid her face behind her teacup, her cheeks growing slightly red with shame. The rational part of her mind told her that she should be proud of what she had accomplished. Talking about this low point of her life, she could not help but feel embarrassed about her own naivety at the time, however. It was hard do look back and understand why she had not known better, why she had trusted so blindly.

"My father had to return to Boston a week after they had arrived, but my mother stayed for almost two months, mostly so she could get to know her grandchildren, but also to make sure that I would be all right. We talked a lot, spent hours reconnecting. It was my mother who convinced me that I needed more than just legal and financial help. She saw what I had been blind to."

It was hard to admit to him just how much her husband had damaged her emotionally, that it had taken several years of therapy to get him out of her head and rebuild her sense of self. Jack had completely destroyed her confidence and self-worth as a woman. She had known that she was a decent police officer and it had become easier and easier over the years to truly believe that, despite the dislike of her fellow officers and the initial lack of recognition. At some point, everyone at work had seen her as the strong, uncompromising woman she wanted to portray. They believed that she knew no fear, that her cold heart had driven her husband to drink and then away to Vegas.

She had built that image, had worked tirelessly to make it easier for female officers to achieve rank, had spent two decades helping to create a work environment that was less hostile and discouraging towards women. She had fought for abused women, had tried her best to increase sensitivity for that issue with her male coworkers. The tenacity and vigor with which she had fought those battles had given her a certain notoriety within the LAPD. That and her steadfast adherence to and defense of the rules and regulations had given her the nickname _Darth Raydor_ , among others.

No one ever questioned her strength. No one ever suspected that, beneath all that, she was vulnerable and insecure and so full of self-doubt that she seldom attempted to connect with others. No one suspected that her lack of friends or partners had reasons other than her being a cold-hearted bitch that no one wanted to be around. No one knew how much it hurt every time someone gave up on her because she had a hard time trusting them. It took a particularly stubborn person to nudge their way beyond her shields. Someone like Gavin. Someone like Andy.

She could see in his eyes how much he was hurting for her. The firm set of his jaw and the tension in his muscles told her how desperately he wanted to fix this for her, to find Jack and beat him up. The spark of darkness in his eyes also spoke of guilt and it was only too easy to imagine what he was blaming himself for, even before he spoke.

"I wish I had known back then. Damn it, I should have seen it. I should have done something. I –" Sharon placed a calming hand against his cheek, forcing him to look her in the eye.

"Andy, none of this is in any way your fault. Even if you had said something, I would not have listened. Back then, I was still too determined to make that marriage work. I was not ready to see what was happening to me. I would have told you to mind your own business. Short of carrying me out of my home kicking and screaming, there was nothing you could have done."

Andy did not seem entirely convinced by her argument, but he relaxed slightly under her touch. After a moment, the corners of his mouth started to twitch, which slowly evolved into a soft chuckle. "Kicking and screaming, hm? I'd have paid good money to see that."

She smiled in return, relieved that he had managed to lighten the mood a little. His sense of humor was just another reason why he was so dear to her.

He took her hand in his and placed them in his lap. "So, where does that leave us?" he asked hesitantly, sounding uncertain and so very unlike himself. Her instincts told her to send him away, to make him understand that she was nothing more than his boss. Those instincts had been born out of years of bitter experience, of people she believed to be her friends abandoning her when she became too complicated to deal with. She was scared that Andy would do the same at some point. That he would grow tired of her drama and move on. And yet, there he was, his expression a mix of hope and fear, asking her to determine the fate of their relationship.

For the first time in many years someone gave her that kind of control over a personal relationship and for a few seconds she felt panic rise inside her, making her heart race and her palms sweat. She still wanted to run. She wanted to tear her hand out of is grasp and put as much distance between them as possible.

When she looked down, however, she was mesmerized by the way their fingers were laced together, by the contrasts she saw – dark and pale, big and small, rough and soft – that painted such a beautiful, harmonious picture. What she saw was perfection with all its flaws, it was safety, it was belonging. How could she walk away from that? Had she not done it all those years ago and lived with the scars upon her heart ever since? Maybe it was time to stop running, to trust again. It would not be blind, or carelessly given, but it could be another small step towards healing her heart and soul, if he was willing to walk beside her.

"I don't know," she whispered. "All I know is that I don't want to lose you again, but I also don't want to tie you down or lead you on in any way. The truth is that I may never feel comfortable enough to be in another relationship. I may never be able to give you more than friendship and I need you to be sure that you can live with that. If not, I'll understand. If it's asking too much of you, please just walk away now."

His face blurred in front of her, as her eyes filled with tears at the thought of seeing him leave. Instead, he shifted slightly so he could look at her more comfortably. His eyes held hers, his expression serious. "Sharon, I'm not going anywhere. I'm glad that you told me, but this doesn't change anything. I care a great deal about you. Maybe more than I should, but that's on me. That's not your problem and I don't want you to worry about it. We will go at whatever pace makes you comfortable and if we end up being good friends for the rest of our lives, I'm fine with that. All I ask is that you don't shut me out. I'm not sure I can take losing you again."

He was just as frightened as she, and for some reason that made her feel better. They were in the same boat, both carrying the scars of their pasts and trying to protect their hearts against new wounds. "I promise to do my best not to close myself off to you, but maybe you'll have to remind me from time to time."

Andy gave her one of his cheeky smiles, squeezing her hand gently. "I can do that. We'll be fine, Sharon."

As she looked at his dear face, so much like that of the young man she had once lost her heart to, and yet so different, so much wiser and kinder, she believed him. His confidence and unwavering loyalty made it easy to trust his words, to trust that, no matter what, he would be right beside her to lend a hand in support whenever she faltered. Together, they might actually make it work, to walk into the sunset hand in hand – as friends or something more.

 **~TBC~**


	5. Chapter 5

**Until You Can't Let Go**

 **Chapter 5**

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 **Time:** Some time after Season 4

Sharon had never expected the transitions in their relationship to be so smooth. She had hoped that they might one day end up at this point, but she had never thought that it would happen like that, without any grand gestures or passionate declarations. Once they had moved beyond the pain of their joint past and the resulting dislike, working together as a team had come naturally. It had not been a conscious choice for either one of them to seek out the other as their partner at work. They had not questioned it. Instead, they had built on it, had let this partnership grow stronger every day until one day they had looked at one another and found a friend.

They had not hesitated to explore that friendship, had enjoyed having someone who understood their job, who shared the joys and pains of it, and who did not complain about the unpredictable hours. In Andy, she had found an unexpected ally in her fight to keep Rusty safe and with her, someone who did not question her feelings for the boy or her stubborn determination to hang on to him when it seemed so unwise. Andy had shared her shock when they had learned about the letters Rusty had kept from them, and he had celebrated with her when they had finally caught Wade Weller. He had held her when she had shared the dark secrets of her past with him and had promised to be by her side regardless.

When she had all but convinced herself that it was a bad idea, it had been Andy who had encouraged her to approach Rusty about the adoption, to let him decide. It had been Andy she had come to late at night, after Jack had shown up at her door to try and talk her out of the divorce. It had been Andy who had helped her stay strong, who had insisted that she deserved to be free of the man who had done nothing but use and abuse her for most of her life. Before she knew it, Andy had become her best friend.

And then things had changed again, shifting fluidly from one thing into another without them noticing. They had spent more and more time together, had included one another into many of their weekend plans without giving it much thought. It had taken their children's comments to make them realize just how close they had become. Her first impulse had been to run, to push Andy away and retreat to the safety of being colleagues, but he had not let her. He had reminded her of her promise to him and then he had sat her down and made her understand that nothing had changed. They were friends and no one else got to decide otherwise. It had been a liberating realization that their friendship was exactly what they decided it should be, that no one got to tell them how many times they could go out or touch or hug before they had to call it dating.

The thought had been out there, however. It had been a tiny seed inside her heart that had slowly grown over the months into something fragile but beautiful. When Andy had finally asked her out on a proper date, it had not come as a surprise. Not really, anyway. They had been awkward and cautious, and once the day came around, she had been ready to tell him that she couldn't do it. He had simply taken her hand and told her what he was hoping for, that he did not expect anything to change overnight. They had discovered that night that they were both looking for the same thing. They both wished for a partner in life, for someone to be there at the end of the day, an understanding ear and a strong shoulder, a hand held out in support, and guidance, and love. What they wanted had not been much different from what they had already had. All he had been asking was for them to acknowledge to each other and the people around them what they already felt in their hearts.

They had been content to proceed cautiously, to carefully explore that new awareness between them and what it meant for them and the people in their lives. Sometimes she had questioned whether or not Andy truly was fine with the slow pace at which their relationship developed, at the lack of physical intimacy, but whenever she tried to broach the subject, he brushed her concerns away, reassuring her that what they had was more than enough to make him happy.

For a little while, nothing much had changed. They had both felt more comfortable with touching each other, with holding hands, had started sharing chaste kisses that had slowly lost their innocence. There had been no hurry. They had nothing to prove to one another. They were not fighting to meet a deadline. They simply lived every day and let things between them unfold as they may. It also helped Rusty adjust to the changes that were happening around him.

That situation had changed rapidly after Andy's accident. He had been reluctant to move in with her at first, afraid that it would put unnecessary stress on their relationship, that they were not ready for that kind of intimacy. It had been a lot easier than they had thought, though. With him being stuck at home, they had not spent as much time together as they usually did, making the evenings together even more precious. She had missed him at work and had been happy to have him around once she got out of the office. It was domestic in a way she had not experienced in years, deciding on what to eat and which movie to watch, quarrelling about who got to clean up the kitchen or take care of the laundry. Those were fights she had won easily, with him being so restricted in what he was allowed to do.

During those weeks leading up to his surgery, while they had enjoyed their domestic bliss, she had been terrified of losing him. Up until that point, she had not thought about that possibility for a very long time. She had felt secure in the knowledge that he would always be there, had finally accepted that he would not walk away. What she had not considered was that he might not have a choice in the matter.

A few weeks later, things had returned to normal. Andy had been cleared for duty and moved back into his own home. It had felt strange at first, not having him around all the time. She had enjoyed having him back at the office, had loved working even closer with him while he had been on desk duty. It had been in the evenings, when Rusty had been out or in his room and the condo quiet, that she had missed him most. Sharon had not expected to get used to his presence so easily, to adjust so quickly to cooking together, to watching TV every night while holding hands, to seeing him first thing in the morning. She had not expected to feel his absence so keenly. He had not really been gone from her life. They had gone out to dinner whenever they'd had the time. They had gone to the movies or spent lazy evenings at home. And yet, it had not been the same.

During all those weeks and months of growing intimacy, of getting to know each other more and more, there had been one barrier they did not cross. At first it had been her own reluctance, her need to move slowly, to make sure the ground beneath her feet was solid before she took the next step. Then there had been Andy's health issues that had prevented anything more than the most innocent connection. After that, they had needed to find their rhythm once again, to readjust to the way things had been. A series of tough cases had drawn their attention and energy away from the development of their relationship even further. They were both happy with the way things were, felt loved and secure with the other. At the end of a long day, they found solace and understanding with each other, they had someone who was there, who did not ask unnecessary questions, who provided laughter and perspective, a patient ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Sharon would never forget the day they had finally given voice to their feelings for one another. He had walked her up to her door after one of their dates and they had gently kissed goodnight. Afterwards, he had smiled down at her and simply said those three words she had been so afraid of, and she had replied in kind. It had felt right, and comfortable, and familiar, not at all daunting or confining.

With the way their relationship had developed up to that point, she should not have been surprised that the next step had been just as easy in the end. Andy had come over after work on that Friday night so that they could have dinner and watch a movie they had both been curious about. They took advantage of having the condo to themselves for the evening by lighting a few candles and cuddling under a blanket on the sofa. The movie turned out to be less interesting than they had anticipated and they found themselves paying it very little attention. Sharon was too focused on the solid feeling of his muscles underneath her wandering hands, by the warmth that seeped through the fabric of his black t-shirt and dark jeans. She let his kisses distract her attention, allowed him to explore her mouth, to trail moist paths along her jaw and down her throat.

They had done that before occasionally, but this time neither one of them stopped. It simply flowed from the solid ground of careful intimacy into the uncharted waters of heated kisses, daring touches and passionate exploration. It felt natural to place his hand on her breast, to slip hers underneath his shirt, to allow him to unbutton her blouse and kiss her chest. She did not think about anything but Andy and her longing to feel him move above her when she took his hand and led him down the hall and into her bedroom.

His touch made her dizzy with want as he slowly peeled each layer of clothing off her body, kissing every inch of exposed skin. Arousal made her moan as it spread along her veins like liquid fire, making her fingers and toes tingle and her core pulse with its intensity. She let her own hands wander, tugging his t-shirt out of his pants all the way and pushing it up over his head. His skin was hot and smooth, covering strong muscles that were starting to soften. She let her lips and tongue explore his chest, nuzzling the salt and pepper fuzz she found there, her fingers feathering over his slightly rounded belly, smiling at the imperfections she encountered. He was no longer that young man she had first fallen in love with all those years ago. Life had left its traces and she cherished each one of them as they had shaped the man she loved now.

Tugging her lower lip between her teeth, Sharon let her hands slide lower, gently cupping him through the thick fabric of his pants. The heat that met her there startled her, but she drew courage from his low groan, from the way his eyes rolled back before they closed. He pushed into her touch, letting her know how much he enjoyed it. She wanted more. She wanted to feel him without any barriers. With nimble fingers she opened his belt and unbuttoned his pants, slowly working them over his hips until they slid down to pool at his feet. Before she could make another move, Andy pulled her against him, however. She felt his length against her belly, hot and hard and throbbing, his arms around her.

She was too focused on the heated duel of their tongues to notice that he had opened her bra, until he pushed her back a little to tug the straps down her arms. It fell to the floor, forgotten even before his lips closed around one of her nipples. Years had passed since she had last felt the touch of another and she had almost forgotten what it was like, how the sensations shot along her nerves and made her light up like a torch. Her skin burned with it and she threw her head back, closing her eyes and baring her sensitive throat to him. He trailed kisses up along the throbbing vein, nipping at her ear lobe and the soft skin just behind it, let his tongue caress her jaw, capturing her chin between his teeth before he continued to her other ear and moved down to her breasts once more.

Sharon was shaking by the time he had captured her other nipple, her fingernails clawing at the broad expanse of his back. She sneaked both hands into his briefs, cupping his firm cheeks and pulling him closer, rocking her hips against him. She needed to feel his touch on her, longed for him to remove that final obstacle.

Minutes later, with the last scraps of fabric discarded, they tumbled onto the bed together, her arms and legs wrapped around him, holding him close as they kissed and kissed and kissed until their lungs burned.

Reluctantly, Andy put some distance between them. Her protest turned into a moan as he slid his hand along her inner thigh, crawling higher and higher until it rested against the soft flesh at the apex. When one of his fingers slipped between her sensitive lips, Sharon stiffened, trying to close her legs.

It took Andy a moment to catch on to her discomfort and realize what was going on. He removed his hand and let her roll out from underneath him before he moved up and lay down beside her. His hand on her shoulder kept her from turning away from him. Her eyes were closed tightly and she had her arms wrapped around herself, desperate for some sort of protection from his gaze. When he was sure that she would stay put, he cupped her cheek gently, encouraging her to look at him.

"Hey, what's going on, sweetheart," he asked softly? He had a good idea, but if they wanted to maneuver past this problem, they would have to talk about it.

"I can't do this, Andy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she replied, her voice choked up with tears and barely audible.

He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers, planting gentle kisses into her hair and against her forehead and temple. Andy had felt it when he had brushed his finger through her folds, but he had not thought anything of it, had not expected it to make her feel so uncomfortable. He might have a reputation for dating younger women, but he was not oblivious. It wasn't as if his own body hadn't changed over the years. Many things used to be easier, quicker, more reliable, in better shape.

"What's there to be sorry about, hm?" He looked down at her, easing the lines her tension was drawing on her forehead with small kisses. Embarrassment painted her neck and cheeks pink and she still refused to meet his eyes as she tried and failed to speak. Cupping her cheek, he turned her face towards him and kissed her still swollen lips.

"Sharon, look at me. Please." When she reluctantly opened her eyes, he continued. "There's nothing to be upset about. So you aren't twenty anymore. Big deal. We have all the time in the world. This isn't a race. It's gonna take as long as it's gonna take. As long as we both want this, nothing else matters. Do you want this?" He studied her eyes, watching as his words settled within her until he saw some of her usual confidence return.

"Yes, I want this," she rasped, her voice husky with desire. "I want you, Andy."

He smiled as he leaned down to kiss her thoroughly until they were both breathless. Her hands slid through his hair, holding him in place as her lips and tongue explored his mouth hungrily. When he finally drew back, he gave her a cheeky grin, laughter vibrating in his voice as he spoke. "Good. And I hate to break it to you, but I'm not twenty, either. Once it's over for me, it's over for a good while, so I intend to take my sweet time with you."

That was the last coherent sentence he spoke for a long time as he explored every inch of her body, determined to find out what she liked, what made her moan, or whimper, or squirm. With every part of her body he discovered, he told her how beautiful she was, how much he loved the softness of her skin, the smell of that sensitive spot behind her ear, the sounds she made, and the way she tasted. He was on a mission, not simply to get to know her body, or to make her understand how special she was to him, but also to render her incoherent with desire, to make her beg for release, to cause her to lose every bit of control, and to completely let go. He wanted her to truly realize, in the depth of her heart, that she was safe with him.

It was hours later that they lay next to each other, sweaty and out of breath, their desire sated for the moment. He had indeed taken his time, and so had she. Their passionate explorations had been interrupted frequently to exchange tender kisses and soothing touches, drawing out the inevitable end for as long as they could. Her initial insecurities had vanished under his loving caresses, making room for a part of herself that she had buried long ago. Andy had reminded her how enjoyable the physical part of a relationship could be, how much she loved letting go completely. It was a frightening idea to let someone else witness that utter lack of control, but with him there was trust and love and safety. Her fear had evaporated and he had made her soar.

Her cheek rested on his chest, her ear above his rapidly beating heart. Her fingers toyed with the curly hairs that sprinkled his chest. She thoroughly enjoyed this freedom to touch him, the intimate knowledge of his body and the easy comfort she found in his arms. There was no need to cover herself, no need to hide anything from him. He had seen her at her most vulnerable and loved and accepted her as she was. There was no need to pretend between them. For the first time in her life, Sharon felt as if she truly knew the person beside her. It was a rare and precious thing.

Only a year ago she had been ready to turn her back on Andy and what they had between them. The thought sent a shiver down her spine as she tried to imagine her life without him. It was inconceivable. They had been colleagues and friends and partners long before they had become lovers. In the end, they had held onto one another until they could no longer let go. All that was left was the rest of their lives. As her eyes slowly closed and exhaustion dragged her mind into sweet oblivion, she could not help but smile. She did not mind spending the rest of her life in the arms of this wonderful, loving man. She would never let him go.

 **~FIN~**

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 **A big 'thank you' to all of you for sticking with me on this journey and for your wonderful feedback! It is very much appreciated!**


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